Musetta's Waltz
by AdenaMentzel
Summary: Roger finds himself unable to stop thinking about a certain someone, and an unexpected turn of events leaves him reeling...
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** I wrote this a while back but never bothered to type it up. Please comment-- it will help me decide whether or not to continue. I hope you like it...

* * *

As the light shone through the curtain-less window of the unheated loft, which was also void of electricity, I realized that I had fallen asleep on the couch with my guitar. Again. God I hate this fucking morning. God I hate this fucking _mourning_!_ That's _poetic. That's pathetic. Mark's "Musetta" entered the room, slamming the door loudly, declaring her presence. I bet she's wondering why he's not looking at her.

"Geez, Maureen, break a plate or something why don't you!" She stared at me, puzzled, my comment clearly going straight over her pretty little head. "I don't suppose you've heard of _La Bohème_, then?" She glared at me for my patronizing comment, squinting her eyes evilly at me, those gorgeous emeralds, simultaneously cold and hot, freezing my insides, burning up the loft. I began to play "Musetta's Waltz".

"Gosh Roger, you are _so_ funny. I want to be just like you when I grow up!" she retorted dryly, her voice deep and raspy, eyes shining with anger and sarcasm.

"But of course you do! Who doesn't?" I don't want to be me, that's for damn certain. But I can't tell her that—this is _Maureen_ we're talking about, who still flirts with Mark, even after she dumped him for a _woman_, Maureen who has slept with every man, woman and (probably) domesticated animal in all of Alphabet City.

"What's going—Maureen? What are you doing here?" Poor Mark. This wild and crazy flirt has him leashed up ad raring to go. She really needs to get a (respectable) life.

"Pookie! There you are! Your roommate was being mean to me!" She pouted. This woman _needs_ some professional help! But despite all that, there _is_ something hopelessly attractive about her…

"You guys have to—oh hi Maureen!" Yes! Mimi! What was I thinking about? Oh yeah. Forget that—ugh. _Maureen._ What was I _thinking?_

"Hey babe, what's up?" I kissed her passionately, but I still couldn't shake my thoughts about Maureen, or how disconcerting they were.

"Ugh. God. Get a room!" Wow. Why was I just thinking about how sexy she was? And why am I kissing Mimi and seeing Maureen's face? Weird. And why don't I hate it? Ugh.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note:** Well, obviously I decided to continue this fic, because your feedback was pretty good. This chap takes this fic in a different direction, and I'm not so sure what I think about it...so (constructive) criticism _greatly_ appreciated. Thanks for reading!

* * *

Later that night, Mimi was working, and Mark was out filming something or other. I was anxious for him to get back because I was curious about what had caused Maureen to come all the way over to the loft rather than simply calling. I figured that it was probably nothing important, given that it was, after all, Maureen, and she tended to get carried away and over-excited more often than not.

The entire time that I had been out with Mimi, I had been unable to keep my mind from wandering to Maureen, and I couldn't put my finger on why. I had never denied that she was a beautiful woman, or that I did desperately want to fuck her, but she was just that kind of person. You couldn't take your eyes off of her. This had never before transcended to my thoughts, however, and thus this revelation was odd. I wanted to talk to Mark about Maureen more so that I could see if this was how he felt about her than because I was actually concerned about his involvement with her, though I could probably hide that well.

The phone started to ring, blasting me out of my thoughts and confusion about my hormones and emotions. Maybe I'm just going crazy…obviously, I screened the call.

"Hey…um…Mark? Roger? I know someone's there. Listen…I'm downstairs and…god…it's really cold. Look…Joanne kicked me out and I really need somewhere to go…all right, fine. Don't pick up. I could always just pitch a te--"

"Hey Maureen…."

"Roger…please, can you just throw down the key?" She sounded like a lost child, and afraid that I wouldn't let her up—clearly she had been hoping that Mark would have picked up the phone. I told her I would and hung up, tossing the key down to her immediately.

A couple of minutes later, she emerged, dragging behind her a familiar, big, beat-up pink duffel bag. It was one of her many bags and boxes that we had been forced to move into the loft when she first moved in all those years ago, and then out again when she moved in with Joanne. It had been a group effort, much to my dismay.

When she noticed me looking her over, she flashed a winning smile, which would have been convincing had it not been for her puffy, bloodshot eyes. I pulled her into a gentle embrace, which seemed to surprise her, but she accepted it gratefully. When I separated from her, my clothes were wet, which was when I noticed that she was soaked, and it was raining outside. She was shivering, so I told her to go change into some dry clothes. She nodded and went towards the bathroom, and before she shut the door, I produced a clean, worn pink towel from a small closet, hers, which she had left behind when she moved. She smiled and began toweling off her face and arms as she swung the door closed.

I got some blankets and pillows, laying them out on the couch for Maureen. As I did that, I realized the blinking light on the answering machine. I played the message, which was from Mark.

"Hey Rog, it's me. Sorry…I forgot to leave a note, but Cindy came before and told me that my mom…uh…she's sick. I have to go see her…so…I uh…guess I'll be gone for a few days." Maureen emerged as the end of the message was playing, and we stared at each other, unsure of what to do or say, clearly uncomfortable that Mark would be gone.

"Um…I'll be out of your hair as soon as I can…" She was practically whispering.

"Hey, I'm sorry about what I said this morning. It was out of line." She nodded, and then gestured to the couch.

"What's all this?"

"I figured you needed somewhere to sleep." She nodded slowly.

"Thanks." She wobbled a little, clutching her stomach as beads of sweat suddenly collected on her forehead. I moved forward to steady her, and her body fell against mine, and I felt how hot her skin was. She was burning up. I laid her down on the couch, asking if she needed anything, forgetting about my concerns for my own health.

"Rog…I don't want you to get sick…"

"Shh…it's okay." Though I was scared, my HIV was the least advanced, and I knew she had nowhere else to go. I thought about maybe going to stay with Mimi for a while, but decided not to leave right away. Maureen really didn't look well, and I was afraid of what might happen if she were left on her own.

This has definitely been the weirdest day of my life. First I'm thinking about fucking Maureen, then fucking Mimi and thinking about Maureen, and now I'm taking care of sick Maureen? That's not normal. We went from firing shots at one another to her needing me to help her. We used to be really close, before she messed Mark up, but ever since then…

"Roger…I'm scared…" What did she have to be afraid of? Being alone? Being sick? She was otherwise healthy, and she would get over it…

"Shh…everything's gonna be alright…"

"No, Roger, you don't understand…" I had retrieved a damp cloth, and placed it on her forehead, feeling oddly paternal, which was not something I had ever felt before

"What?" And then, from her mouth, poured the two words that I least wanted to hear.

"I'm positive."


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:** Reviews were awesome! Keep it up! And now, the story continues...

* * *

"How'd you get it?" I tried hard not to sound accusatory, knowing that it wasn't easy to deal with. I assumed, naturally, that it had been from fucking some random stranger, although fortunately I was able to keep _that_ to myself. Close, it turned out, but not quite what I had pictured.

"Well, you know when April…uh…" Good Lord, did I remember that! I nodded in response. "A couple nights before that…I went out with her. And we went to this club. She went somewhere with some guy, y'know, shooting up? And I was never into that, but…I couldn't stop her. But this guy…real sleazebag…came up to me. Wanted to fuck. Guy must'a slipped something in my drink, cause I remember screaming at him, then everything is blank from there. I woke up in a weird bed, worst hangover ever, no harm done, or so I thought. I was used to waking up like that. I never got tested for anything, figured I'd had trashy sex, but used a condom. I always do. But then, the other day, I see the guy on the news—I'll always remember that greasy, rat-like guy. He got busted for dealing and a couple counts of date-rape stuff. Obviously I got really shaken up, so I got tested. I didn't think it would be positive. I had to tell Joanne. That's why I got thrown out. Been living on the streets with squeegee man the past couple of nights…that's how I got sick with this—cold, I guess."

"Jesus, Mo…" I didn't know what to think—it was a lot to take in. I didn't know if I could completely trust her story or not, but I had no real reason to doubt her. We sat there in silence for a long moment, and I knew hard this must have been for her. She was taken by a coughing fit that scared the living daylights out of me. I got her a glass of water, trying to sort out my thoughts.

"Have you gotten…"

"AZT? Yep. And now I can join the cool kids with this," she said, gesturing to her beeper. We exchanged hopelessly forced smiles before dropping the pretenses.

"Does Mark…?"

"Know? No. I um…I'm pretty sure I didn't sleep with him after…but…oh Jesus I hope I didn't…" Her eyes widened so much that I thought they might pop out, reflecting my inner fear.

"You have to tell him as soon as possible, Mo, so he can get tested."

"He's going to die when he finds out. God, I am such an idiot…"

"Hey, no you're not…it wasn't your fault." She got up clumsily, heading towards the bathroom, puking out the contents of her stomach. I pulled her unruly curls back as she vomited, and helped her to her feet when she was through. I shifted uncomfortably.

"Mo…can I call Mimi up here? I…uh…she's better at this…comforting…than I am." She looked a little scared, and extremely worn out.

"Can…we just wait until tomorrow? I don't feel like telling anyone else just yet. I can't deal with it tonight." I nodded and led her back over to the couch, back in paternal mode, tucking her in before heading towards my own room.

"Hey Rog?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"What are friends for, right? Plus, we're in the same boat now. We need to look out for one another." I looked back as she smiled sleepily, her eyelids heavily drooping shut. She looked somehow sweetly sexy and intriguing…

"Yeah…" She whispered this softly as she drifted of. I had a sudden urge to go over and kiss her, but I refrained.

"Sleep tight, sweetheart," it was now my turn to whisper, confident she hadn't heard me, as sadness seeped throughout my body, feeling hopeless and like all to soon, my family was coming down with me. Fan-fucking-tastic. Despite all that, I couldn't help myself from selfishly thinking that maybe now I could find a way to be with her, maybe now I had a chance, mentally screaming at myself for being an asshole, especially given that I had Mimi. Maureen didn't even want me in the first place! What the hell is wrong with me?


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:** So, not sure if this is a bit much or not...won't you please let me know? Reviews make me happy, and happy makes me write more...anyway, thanks for reading and I hope you like it! (PS: to those reviewers who have badgered this because of not liking the pairing...leave, please. Just move along to a different story. I don't mind criticism of my writing, I welcome it, but please don't waste my time condemning my pairing. Thanks!)

* * *

I was woken up in the middle of the night to a loud thud and the sound of Maureen cursing softly from the doorway to my bedroom. 

"Mo? You okay?" I quickly turned on the light beside my bed, and got on my feet to help her up. She looked dazed, and I was unsure as to whether or not she was really awake, or maybe sleepwalking. Not that I had ever known her to sleepwalk in the past, but you never knew with her.

"I feel better for the moment…my fever broke," she whispered, and then continued more audibly, "Roger…what the hell am I going to do? The AZT's making me sick, I've got a cold…my disease…it's probably advanced because they didn't catch it for such a long time. Joanne deserted me, I might have killed Mark…." She was crying uncontrollably, and I did the only thing that I could think to do—I held her, soothed her. I told her everything would be okay and I stroked her back. It was uncomfortable at first, because it was rare that I hugged people, except when Collins forced me to, or in some moment of rare brotherhood between Mark and myself, and granted Maureen's usual greeting was a hug and kiss, but the only other time I had willingly initiated an embrace with a (conscious, living) person was when Mimi was going through withdrawal. Both of us seemed surprised at my gesture, but she melted into my embrace, silently sobbing into my shoulder. I didn't know what to do, but I found myself incapable of being angry with her, even though she could have infected Mark, loving the way that her body felt against mine, longing to…oh no. Not now.

Involuntarily, and in a very awkward twist of fate, I felt a wave of warmth in my lower region, feeling myself utterly aroused. God damnit, what is going on here? I felt her body tense against mine, and her big, sad green eyes looking into mine, and though her tears had ceased, I couldn't help but feel an enormous sense of guilt, pissed at my body for being so…inconveniently erect.

Her weight shifted, and I knew that she was upset (or at the very least alarmed) by my body's reaction to her own, but I couldn't tell whether or not she felt a similar heat until I realized that she was positioned over me, seemingly riding my erection. She pushed me down onto my back, pressing herself against me, and my body responded to hers in a way that I had never before experienced. I slid my hands into the sweatpants she had borrowed from me, which were far to large for her small frame, sliding them off easily, my hands straying on her hips and incredible ass, and her pelvis rocked in towards me as she emitted a guttural moan. She quickly got my sweatpants and boxers off in one fell swoop, and she was on me again, and I felt myself penetrating her hot, moist, and altogether inviting interior. The moment was magic, and it felt as though we were meant to be together, than any other romances in our lives were unimportant. Or at least, that was how it felt to me—our bodies fit perfectly with one another, and after reaching ecstasy we collapsed beside one another, panting and slick with sweat. So _this_ was what passion should be like.

Afterwards, I couldn't tell whether or not she had drifted off to sleep, but wanting to avoid awkward pillow talk, I feigned sleep as thoughts and fears raced through my mind. I couldn't fathom that I had just slept with the woman whom I had previously despised until recently, or maybe I had just been acting juvenilely all along. Maybe I had always felt something for her, but first I had April, then I had AIDS. Mimi had been convenient because I didn't have to worry about infecting her. Maureen, additionally, was always taken, and additionally notorious for being unfaithful. How could I have fallen for _her_? She was gorgeous, and she did have many redeeming qualities, which Mark even now was always attempting to impress upon me. Maybe it worked. Somehow I thought he would be less than thrilled that I had screwed his ex, with whom he was still madly in love with. I wonder if he would still want her if he were still negative? I didn't doubt that he would kill himself by fucking her, handing himself a death sentence. He didn't want to be left alone, and if he were positive like the rest of us, we'd all be ticking time bombs, and he'd have just as much chance of being the next to go. Slowly but surely my thoughts all seemed to meld into one as I drowsily drifted off—having sex with her was a mistake, for many more reasons than one. I only hoped that come morning, we could put this behind us and forget…despite the fact that it had been incredible, it was so wrong…


	5. Chapter 5

**AN:** Yay! Update! Sorry it took so long...but it's just that time of year, y'know? Hopefully I'll update more often...so you better leave some feedback! Y'all have been really awesome about reviews, so keep it up :)

* * *

The next morning, I awoke to the sound of Maureen singing in the shower. _Well, I guess she's feeling better, then._ After about a minute, I heard the water shut off, and she came into my bedroom wearing only a very small towel that didn't exactly cover her completely.

"Hey sexy. Feeling better this morning, I take it?" She blinked at me incredulously, and I could have sworn that she blushed slightly.

"Yes, Roger, I am. Especially since you were there to keep me warm…" her tone was seductive, and I was completely entranced, that is until I heard a knock on the door.

"Shit. That's probably Meems." Maureen's face fell, probably mirroring my own expression. Maureen grabbed clothes from her duffel, which had somehow made it into my bedroom, which I presumed that she had dragged it there that morning, and darted off to the bathroom. I went to go answer the door, and it was Mimi, as I had expected.

"Hey babe." She said, her voice raspy.

"Hey." I responded. She wrapped her arms around my neck, leaning up against me and beginning to eat my face in the somewhat repulsive way that was characteristic of our relationship, only this time, I felt as though I were being somehow unfaithful. I wondered if I should dump her because I was in love with Maureen…I wondered if Maureen would go for it…or if it truly was love that I was feeling, or maybe just lust. I heard a door slam, and then realized it was the front door. _Shit…I wonder where she's going…_I didn't know whether to be worried about Maureen or not, but leaving Mimi in search of her seemed a bit awkward. Mimi sensed my hesitation, and looked concerned.

"Rog…what's up with you lately? Yesterday you were all distant all day, even when we were having sex…and know you aren't even kissing me? Are you even listening to me?" I wasn't, actually, and had let my mind explore the possible places that Maureen would have gone to. _Jesus…now I know what it is like in the life of Mark Cohen._

"Huh?" Mimi looked furious, spouting vicious Spanish, which was utterly incomprehensible to me, then she stopped abruptly, addressing me directly again.

"Oh dios mio, there's another woman, isn't there? What the fuck is wrong with you? I thought you loved me?" _Yeah, well, I thought I did, too._

"Mimi, I do love you…its just…look, Maureen just stormed out of here two minutes ago. She's been having a lot of problems recently, and…" Mimi glared at me.

"Maureen? You've been fucking checking out on me because of _Maureen?_"

"Christ, Mimi, you make her sound like a filthy whore!" Her jaw dropped, and she was gaping at me.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? Huh? My job not good enough for you, mister Bohemian elitist?"

"No…Mimi, god, I didn't mean anything by it…just…Mimi, I thought you were friends!"

"Yeah, before you were fucking her!" _Crap. This is quite a problem._

"I am not fucking the Drama Queen! Damnit, Mimi, she's POSITIVE!" Mimi froze.

"Wait…did you just…you mean…oh my god. Roger…I'm so sorry." She stood there in disbelief for a moment, then an incredulous look came across her face. "How did it happen?"

"Some freak got indicted on date-rape charges, and they said he had HIV, you know one of those friendly neighborhood news shows…I think it might have actually been Buzzline. She recognized the creep, got all shaken up, enough to get tested…" Mimi rolled her eyes. "You know, Mimi, even though she's promiscuous, she's always been careful," Mimi sighed, knowing he was right, and Maureen would need support. I couldn't place this sudden anger towards Maureen, because she and Mimi had been pretty close. "Anyway, like I was saying, she got tested, obviously was positive, Joanne kicked her out…she was living with fucking squeegee man in a tent, she caught a cold…last night she came by looking for somewhere to stay, and Mark went to visit his mom 'cause she's sick, I was the only one home. I had to let her in." Mimi nodded.

"Come on, Rog, we better go find her. I don't know about what you did when you first found out, but if she's anything like me, she shouldn't be alone for a while." I nodded in agreement, thinking back to how hard my experience had been. _At least she doesn't have to simultaneously deal with a suicide…_I grabbed my coat and the two of us went in search of Maureen. I let the awkwardness of the situation be consumed by my concern for Maureen, the woman who may or may not have been the love of my life.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN:** Sorry for the wait, guys! Here's the newest chapter! Hopefully next chapter will be up shortly-- it would help tremendously if you guys keep on reviewing-- it motivates me! I hope you like it...

* * *

Mimi and I didn't know where to begin looking, as neither of us tended to hang out with the drama queen when she wasn't with her other half. Or former other half. Whatever. I called Mark who was still in Scarsdale to ask him where she might be, but he was of no use considering that he had always let her do her own think, probably mostly because he was a afraid she would leave him if he stopped her. I think she wanted him to stop her. We walked around the Village for a while, searching bars and parks, the space, etc. Then I got an idea."

"Hey Meems, why don't you go on back to the loft? I think I know where she is." She looked at me skeptically.

"Are you sure that you don't want me to help you out?" I nodded.

"If she is where I think she is, I can handle her."

"If you say so…" Mimi walked away slowly at first, looking confused. I assured her that this was for the best, and she went on her way.

I found Maureen exactly where I expected to—the graveyard. Maureen and I had a couple things in common—the places we went when we were truly upset—either April's grave or the roof of the loft. Being that she ran away from the loft, that idea was out. I walked up to her slowly, knowing that I needed to talk to her, but also knowing well the desire to be left alone—I holed myself up for a year after April died.

As I got nearer to Maureen, I saw that she was silently sobbing. She looked so frail and weak that I just wanted to protect her from the world. But honestly, there wasn't really anything to be done to ease the pain of finding out that you have AIDS. I stopped a few feet behind her.

"Hey." She turned around slowly, uncurling from the small blob that she had been folded into. She looked tired and depressed, though understandably so.

"What do you want from me?" Her tone was hollow, she sounded detached.

"I…wanted to make sure that you were okay."

"How did you know I'd be here?"

"Well, I looked everywhere in the Village, but I kinda figured if you weren't on the roof, you would be here." I walked over to her and sat down beside her, "I was worried about you—you took off so quickly."

"Why does it matter to you?"

"Because you are one of my best friends. I love you." She hugged her knees into her chest.

"Are you sorry that we fucked?"

"Only if you are. Are you?"

"I don't even know what I think anymore, Rog. I guess I shouldn't have expected anything to change just because we fucked."

"You expected something?" She looked embarrassed, and broke my gaze. "Maureen, I'm not judging you! I was just wondering because…I feel…the same way." She looked me in the eye, and leaned in, kissing me firmly, then more hungrily, seemingly needing it. When we broke apart a couple minutes later, we were panting.

"Roger, what the fuck are we doing?" I shook my head.

"I don't know, but I'm willing to try to figure it out…" She smiled. "Come on, let's go back so I can show Mimi that you are alive. We were tearing the city apart looking for you!" She looked a little down at the mention of Mimi, so I added in a deeper, softer tone of voice "And we can talk about us later tonight, okay?" She nodded, and we headed back to the loft.


End file.
